This is free writing… no travel pics, tips or ideas this time.
Today I spent a small portion trying to clear my head, my head has been swimming and spinning with all that’s occupying it’s attention. My big issue now is that I have been given some opportunities and in reflect on these opportunities I realized that i’m burned out. I am burned out in every possible way.
The least of my problem is that in these opportunities I have real life issues and I don’t know how to solve them, nor do I care to. Both are things that have been presented to me numerous times and both had less than desirable results, so I don’t think anyone came blame me for not wanting to try anymore. That is a natural reaction right? After you have been burned so many times you quit trying to touch the fire.
On top of those two things weighing on my mind, I have become disappointed in myself. Nothing is quiet like I want it. I am a firm believer that you take responsibility for yourself so in that regard when something isn’t right I tend to be quiet hard on myself.
This effing job is hard. Not physically. If it were only physically challenging I would ace the crap out of it. But the problem is it’s emotion investing and taxing. I was trying to explain to my husband who doesn’t seem to get it. When a teacher calls… they talk to me. When it’s bad they ask what am I doing, not what are WE doing. I feel tremendous pressure to have a perfect or at least functioning child and when I have tried so hard and I get less than desirable results its frustrating.
I have read every darn book, taken parenting classes, talked to doctors, other parents, friends, teachers…. I really have no clue what I am doing or what to do next. I have made sure my child is intelligent and while I have tried socializing him, well it didn’t really work. We have resorted to special care and attention and while he is on his way to the gift program, he still is getting in trouble every day. He still has trouble sitting still, not dancing in class, knowing what is inappropriate (he kissed a girl, and said something weird after). While I find him funny, and charming, and sometimes really annoying I just don’t know what to do.
It’s embarrassing talking to his teacher or having her call, send notes home or email everyday. We now have a special calendar that gets sent home daily with a behavior report. Eli has his special area in class that is his office, but I don’t want him to have all this special attention. I want him to be like everyone else.
I know that something I have done so far has already shaped who he will be later, and is all this attention fair to my daughter. Is she seeing the constant battle with him and thinking I am some mean monster? I’m just so frustrated and saddened that I try to control so much and in reality have so little control. I am frustrated that there is no “fixing” my child. I don’t want him to be fixed, all I want is a way to find their good qualities and bring those forward so that the negative is just background noise. I hate that there is all this concentration on the negative.
My husband says i’m over thinking everything… easy for him to say. He doesn’t have to answer to “how is your child at home?”, “does he do this, that, and this?”, “Why is he like that?”
I’m just frustrated, by school, crazy teachers at mine, judge-y ones at his, my body, their diet, this whole dna testing thing, modeling stuff, career stuff, the thought of potty training and sleep training. I feel overwhelmed. My husband suggested I take a vacation. I just started laughing.