Patchy lawns on both sides of the fence.

It’s November and I’ve yet to make a post.

I have been working outside of modeling, like an actual job where there are clocks instead of creativity and bosses instead of agents, oh and my favorite, customers instead of onlookers.

All the time I have been a SAHM for the past six years, I had missed the work force (having a day job) and the coworker banter, feeling needed, and contributing. Not that when I am a SAHM I am not needed, or I don’t contribute but so much of what I have done as a mother and wife, I will not be thanked for, I will receive no credit except on mothers day where someone will buy or make a card so I don’t go off in a tantrum about lack of respect and appreciation as if the paper could make up for all the dinners thrown on the floor or “I hate you’s, you are the worst mom ever-s.”

It’s not that my children don’t love me. They do. They are nuts about me. They choose me over anyone with the exception of grandpa.  But they like me as a person, not for what I do. What I do for them at home is meaningless because they are young and have had it  no other way. And honestly sometimes I feel like I wish they did so they could appreciate all they have and all that is done for them.

It’s not just the kids. Honestly my house has never been worse. Some nights I come home from work at 1am and I can’t even walk through the door without tripping over something/s. My husband always has to use the fact that I was moderately homeless when we got together as a means for bargaining. As a rule of thumb it’s not as bad as “such and such” is a comparative means for standards in my home. It drives me bananas. Sadly, I know that my spouse has no desire to see the floor. I got myself into this because I had been seemingly care free for almost seven years… but I do care… and for some reason I like a clean floor. It makes me unreasonable happy.

So how would a job help?

Other than the fact that I need an obscene amount of money for school, I was hoping there would be an appreciation for the maid/cook/nanny in her absence. No luck.

While they haven’t got their independence, there has been little progress.

My husband is coming around to be a better/ more fun father. And while their standards haven’t met mine… I see them trying.

And most importantly, I enjoy my kids so much more. I have much more of an appreciation for the little things they do. I am actually to the point where on some days I miss them and would rather come home and be with them. Maybe they aren’t the only one who has’t known it any other way? I had never known what it was to be a working mother. Now that I do. I see the grass is just as patchy in this lawn.



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